In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
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I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
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The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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