i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
