so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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