I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
