For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
