sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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