I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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