turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
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I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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