you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
