Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
