I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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