Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
