I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
