kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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