I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You ruined the universe
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