I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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