I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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