Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
