I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
