News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
