At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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