Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
