Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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