I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
