I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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