I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
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Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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