Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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