I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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