The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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