you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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