I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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