you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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