After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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