I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
