i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
