You smell like stripper and shame
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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