Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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