I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
