I'm gonna have a badass scar
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
