i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
