i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
