you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
