My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
