Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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