i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
