Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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