I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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