The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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