hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
