i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
