im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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