god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
