I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You just made me feel so damn special
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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