I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
