He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Drunk is a universal language darling
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