Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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