So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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