just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
