My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
