I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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