You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
