The maid of honor just puked.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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