I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
